Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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