i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
it was like his penis was on wheels.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
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at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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