At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
