This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
