Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
