all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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