Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
