non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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