Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
