I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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