i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
