Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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