Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm really busy with my period
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