im about as happy as oj after his trial
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
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