Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize