saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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