I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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