Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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