Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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