I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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