Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
