I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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