i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
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she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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