I think I won the penis lottery.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
