I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
