i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
