i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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