You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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