This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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