He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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