you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
