someone threw a dead crab at me
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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