and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
