Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
