those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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