Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
