I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
zippers are such a cool invention
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
