why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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