His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
should my penis look like a turkey
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
