new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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