Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
