I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i love accidental penises.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
