On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
