So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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