Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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