Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
pray to the hookup gods
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
