dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
