need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
