I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
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It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Pooping to opera.
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