in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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