um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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