I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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