I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
