Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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