After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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